When you’re supporting someone who is grieving

Recently several people in my community reached out to me because they had lost someone close to them. In all of these cases, funnily enough, they were not one of the principal mourners, but were supporting those who were. It got me thinking about how many of us end up in this role, and sometimes often. We have resources, Jewish and otherwise, to help people in mourning. How do we support those supporting them?

This question also got me thinking about how we'd define someone in mourning in the first place. All of these people are grieving too but/and feel they shouldn't be the centre of the grief. Not wishing their grief to eclipse that of the person they are supporting, they might conceal or even try to suppress their own grief. 

These questions got me thinking further about what we mean by grief in the first place. It's not just mourning someone after a recent death. Many of us are grieving in different ways for extended periods of time.

I love this piece "Everyone Around You is Grieving; Go Easy".  We never know the burden someone near us is carrying.  For those supporting someone who is mourning or grieving I suggest the following:

-Make time and space to listen

-Avoid trying to "make it better" (particularly for Humanists it is awfully irksome when someone offers "they're in a better place" or "everything happens for a reason")

-Take care of practicalities: cook the meal, handle the arrangements, do the dishes, watch the children 

-Simply ask what the person/people need for support (this could include watching bad movies, making a photo collection, telling stories about the person who died).

For all of us, at any time, let's remember that there are people around us who are grieving and we don't/can't know! So here are my tips for us all:

-Be kind as much as possible

-Be patient whenever possible (Handlarski is working on this one!)

-Handle it. You know when there's something blocking the road or a mess to be cleaned up and we wonder who will deal with it? That person can be us

-Leave good reviews/feedback and, in particular, name the staff person who was helpful

-Periodically offer your community via social media, email, phone calls, or letters, the opportunity to connect. Let people know they can reach out to you if they need a friendly ear

-When you know someone needs a little help, provide it. 

We can all be the soft place for someone to land. We all need those soft places sometimes too. The more we all give it, the more we all can get it. If you’re supporting others, make sure you also take time to get the care you need.

If you are grieving or hurting, you can reach out to me. I'm happy to listen!