Yom Kippur Commentary 5783/2022

At Rosh Hashanah we spoke of trying to focus more on being than doing this year. That many of us are feeling particularly exhausted and while we want to be awake to the pursuit of justice, as the Shofar demands, we might be rethinking what justice looks like and how we show up.

Unjust systems of white supremacist capitalist patriarchy, as bell hooks calls it, demand for us to be continually exhausted. I would never argue for taking a break from standing up and speaking out when there are wrongs to be righted. I am, however, advocating for us to make connections between our own well-being and the justice we seek in the world.

Some of you know I did a project this year on the loneliness epidemic. What is the solution to people feeling isolated and the many attendant social problems that causes, including deaths of despair? Love and belonging.

What creates a feeling of belonging? Something that one of the rabbis on the project Sid Schwarz calls “covenantal community.”

In Judaism we sometimes speak of a covenant between God and Abraham that promised generations of Jews. I am more interested in covenants between those Jews and between Jews and our wider world. What is so sacred that we would swear to it? The Kol Nidre, heard on the eve of Yom Kippur, asks that we be released from the vows we didn’t fulfill. But there is also an urging to make solemn vows that we do intend to keep. What vows would be so sacred that they would feel unbreakable to us this year?

Covenantal community is the idea that community is forged when people show up for each other. This is not in pursuit of betterment of the self, nor just about doing good for someone else but, rather, the specific tension and interplay of both. We feel good when we do good. We need to show up for others in their times of need so we can be supported in our own. Our well-being is completely inextricable from the well-being of those in our community.

We see this in mutual aid organizations where people give what they have and ask for what they need in an act of justice-seeking and community building that flies in the face of the exploitative economies of capitalism.

We see this when people work together to support each other through hurricanes, some having touched members of our community just these last weeks, and they help rebuild homes, spirits, lives. Everyone is enriched by the building up.

We see that self-care can only go so far. We are living in broken times, communities, and societies, so we need to take care of each other for there to be any hope of wellness.

At Rosh Hashanah I spoke about how the continually push for self-improvement becomes, at a certain point, unsustainable. What does sustainability demand? Caretaking: being good stewards of the earth, of our bodies and spirits, of our loved ones. That really sounds to me like a call to slow down and, again, focus on being more than doing. I want us to slow down. And, paradoxically, I want us to show up.

Covenantal community does expect that we show up for each other, even when it’s hard. We are living in strange times when ditching out on parties or gatherings gets called “self-care.” I respectfully disagree. Of course, there are times we are sick or truly struggling with mental health and it is not possible to go. But sometimes we are simply feeling a little tired, a little lazy, Netflix is beckoning, and we don’t show up. Later on, when we have a simcha (celebration) or gathering, we want people to show up for us. Covenantal community says show up when you can so people will show up for you. Again, some of us are givers and show up all. the. time., even to the detriment of our own well-being. I’m not talking to or about you. If that’s you then please refer back to Rosh Hashanah when I said to do less. But for some of us, we could do more and it would benefit ourselves, our loved ones, and our communities. It matters that we join together in celebration, for birthdays, for anniversaries, for the special moments in life. It matters that we gather here. We can all be here because all of us are here. No members, no rabbi. No members, no rabbi, no community. We enable each other to mark this day in this sacred way. It isn’t “self-care” to stay on the couch and disappoint a friend or loved one. There is no difference between self-care and community care – we need each other.

So, what to do about the problem of being tired and also wanting to show up?

This is where the concept of a vow comes in. Make promises you can keep. It is ok to schedule yourself lots of rest. It is ok to take breaks. It is ok to recharge. And when we say we’ll show up, we show up.

Many years ago at a High Holiday service I listened to a rabbi give a sermon called “always go to the funeral.” He spoke about how people really remember who shows up for them during times of grieving. More importantly, he spoke about how the Jewish mourning rituals are meant to be communal so that no one grieves alone. We need each other in good times and hard times.

When we are tired, especially then, we need to show up for each other. It gives our own spirits a lift and it reminds us that we don’t have to shoulder life’s burdens alone. But we do need to guard our energy and make space for all that showing up and covenantal community care stuff. How can that look?

Do less. Like I said at  Rosh Hashanah, “don’t just do something, sit there!” Let’s give ourselves the grace of so much rest and relaxation. Let’s let ourselves off the hook a little when it comes to all the doing we tend to do. Let’s be choosey about what we do and when and where we show up so that we have the energy to show up when and where it matters.

Brene Brown suggests moving from a “to-do” list to a “joy and meaning” list. What if we each sat and wrote out the things this year that would bring us joy and meaning, and with whom we’d like to share and create that joy and meaning? Wow, what a year!

We all spend way too much time on the things that need to get done and sometimes perhaps we lose sight of what it’s all for. At Rosh Hashanah I suggested we listen to the still, small voice inside and respond to what it is asking for. What is it asking for? More time with family, more walks in nature, more laughter, more snuggles, more reading, more crafting, more gift giving, more movie watching, more writing, more yoga, more introspection, more silence, more dancing, more social justice organizing, more loving, more connection. More connection – with yourself, with our fragile and beautiful natural world, with each other. That really is all there is “to do,” in the end.

This year I hope we’ll show up for ourselves by creating so much spaciousness and grace away from the grind and towards taking good care of ourselves. I hope that will be in the service of showing up for each other. I hope the net result is health and healing in our own bodies and minds, in our communities, and in our world. I hope this is a year of love and belonging. And I hope it is a year for covenantal connections. In Secular Synagogue we do show up for each other. We check in. We come to the digital shiva. We respond with joy at birth announcements. We celebrate conversions into Judaism. We keep up with each other’s lives – across time zones and walks of life. It’s extraordinary. It is love and belonging, covenantal community, in action. So on this day that is often about so much guilt and self-flagellation, I want to offer you gratitude and I hope you’ll feel a little self-congratulation. Each one of you enables the rest of this community to be here, on this sacred day. It matters. Each of us matters. And together we matter a whole lot. I love you and I am so grateful to be in this covenantal community with you. Here is my vow: I will do my best to serve, to show up. And when I am down, when I can’t, I will let you lift me so I can do the same for you. We are, indeed, tired. But we don’t have to carry things alone. And that is what makes building a world from love, Jewishly “Olam Chesed Yibaneh” not only possible but inevitable. When we take care of ourselves so we can care for others we are automatically increasing the light and goodness in the world. We will build this world from love, together.